Streams

From the myspace archives.

Streams
(written October 20, 2008)

Tonight, attempts to shut down thoughts only create more thoughts and sleep escapes me. I read the same three pages over and over, and I still don't know what they say, but my thoughts interest me more. Even though I'm not sure what the words on the page say, I wonder why I can't write like Kerouac. Not that his style is much more than what you'd read in my journals, minus the bad poetry and rewrites. For some reason, I think of the color pink but I see strange shades of lavenders and greens. My walls behind my closed eyes. So, I get up. I write. I can't find my journal, so readers of my blog get to suffer this evening. No funny anecdotes to relate this evening. Just want to sleep and hope that exorcising my thoughts will bring me just that. The problem is the thoughts run so fast, I can't quite remember them all from moment to moment, and in just the time it took to search for my journal, which I now remember I threw in my purse in a just-in-case moment, to fuckthejournal, turn on the computer and get here . . . Where was I going with this? Sleep. Funny. It's early for me. But I fell asleep on the couch tonight, 8ish, son snuggled onto my hip, DVD with animated animals who talk and I've seen it so many times I can recite every animal's inner dialogue. But I think he needed mom's hip tonight. They spent the weekend away, and I loved the quiet, the peace, the clean, the doing yoga in my underwear in the living room hearing only my sounding breath and feeling my own smile. Sometimes, it's nice to not hear "MOM!!" or feel the tug on the leg or wear a bracelet that says I can be interrupted during my class because I am Mother. Infuriating. And then he asked to watch TV with me. Of course. And all is well. At times I see that smile and I can't breathe. The universe, God, higher power, whatever name you want to give it, gave me that smile. And it put me to sleep on the couch with a smile on my own face. They are both sleeping now. There is quiet, but the quiet is filled with something I can't explain, not even to myself. And I can't sleep. And I have thought of things that have nothing to do with my children, but thoughts of a universe filled with magic because I'm not sure what else to call it right now. My universe. Overlapping other universes. Waves in all directions. People, amazing things that they are. Amazing energy in my life. Exciting and terrifying. And I wonder how I am calm and smiling when all I want is sleep that I'm not meant to have right now. I wonder how other people can ignore or deny or make fun of the energy surrounding us all. I have only begun to learn to follow where the universe is pointing, and I'm getting better all the time. It keeps a calm smile in my soul. Maybe other people would be happier if they did the same. But it's kind of hard to follow something you ridicule. Like the government. But those are thoughts I can't deal with now. I'll never sleep. Responses to questions could have been better, but somehow I think my disjointed monosyllables or notquitesentences were understood and taken to heart. I think of my grandfather sitting in the chair in which my grandmother used to sit. And I think of her blanket that I pulled out when the chill came into the air. And I wonder why thoughts of her keep me awake, among other things. My nephew is two and I heard his little voice say "Hi Aunt Leann" in the phone today, and I wonder what it must be like to be so tiny and to be handed a voice and told to tell that voice named Aunt Leann that you love it. I miss him. I've only met him 3 times for a couple of days at a time. How do little people imprint themselves on you so quickly? I worry. And it keeps me awake. I remember a time, I ran myself to death with work, school, babies, love, hate and I never had trouble sleeping. Now, life is calmer, happier, more love and I can't say I hate. So, why does sleep escape me now? I have more time to think, maybe. And thoughts lead to more thoughts. But I think I am too tired to relate anymore of mine tonight.