My daughter went through a period where she was asking a lot of questions about skin color and gender. It was hard. I reached out for advice from friends, and I'm glad I did. I got lots of great advice. Here are the two blogs around that issue.
Help from other parents, please!
(written January 28, 2007)
Okay, I have an issue that I'm not sure how to handle. I would really appreciate some advice from other parents.
My daughter has been asking a lot of questions about her skin color lately. I suppose that's normal. She started by asking what color she was. I told her she was caucasian. She said "No, Mommy. I'm white." I pointed to the bathroom wall, which is white-white. I asked her what color it was. She said it was white. I held her arm up to it. I asked her if her arm looked white. She said no. I told her again that she was caucasian.
The next instance was with one of my friends. My friend keeps the kids on Saturday so that I can go to my stage combat class. My friend is Latino. My daughter asked me if my friend was black. I said "No, she is Hispanic." My daughter said "Oooohh, she's 'spanic." I asked her if it mattered what my friend was. She said "Yes. She isn't black."
THEN, the one that really made me angry. We were preparing to go to my friend's house once again. Now, my friend has a son about my daughter's age. They have such a great time playing together. He is darker skinned than his mother. I asked my daughter if she was excited to see my friend's son again. She said "Mom. I don't like black boys." I got very angry. I told her I didn't ever want to hear that out of her mouth again. I asked her if the little boy hit her or was mean to her. She said no. I asked her if he was nice to her. She said yes. So, I asked "Well, if he's nice to you, what does it matter what color he is?" She started pouting, knowing I was mad, and wouldn't answer me.
I just don't know what to do. Race does not play a part in my home. I have no idea who is talking to her about this sort of thing. She has many people of all different races around her on a daily basis. I am just not sure how to respond to this sort of talk. I know she has to be curious, and I know she is going to notice the differences between her and her classmates and teachers and so forth. But how do I respond?? Any advice would be much appreciated!!
Update on the Girl Issue
(written February 6, 2007)
In our last episode . . . My daughter has been interested in skin color lately, and finally said to me "Mom. I don't like black boys." Said Mom lost it.
First, I would like to say thank you to the parents who responded, both online and in person. You all gave great advice. You are all absolutely correct that I needed to remain calm and not settle for the "I don't know" answers I was getting from her.
On Monday, I started talking to her about it again. We were getting ready in the morning, one of her favorite times to hang out with me. So, I told her I shouldn't have gotten so angry and that I was sorry for that. I asked her if she remembered what she said and asked her why she said it. I got the "I don't know." I continued to ask if someone had said anything. I talked to her about reasons why she might not like someone, and how she might hurt someone's feelings. Finally, it came out that a little boy in her class has been very mean to her teacher lately. My daughter loves her teacher and has been very upset at the way this boy has acted. He is black. So, I talked to her about how she shouldn't say she doesn't like all black boys. I also talked to her teacher about it, and the teacher said she would talk to her.
So, thank you for the advice guys. This was a load off my mind.
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