Bah Humbug!

From the myspace archives. A rant from a really crappy week.

Bah Humbug!
(written December 28, 2006)

I am pissed. I really need a lot of shit off of my chest. So, right now, I'm going to rant. I'm going to rant like I've never ranted on this stupid blog. It will be a stream of consciousness blog, so ride the raft if you dare to. There will be white rapids crashing over huge fucking boulders. There will be lots of spelling mistakes and cut of sentences and no paragraph breaks. Because I am pissed and I am going to let it all out. Right here, right now. On the fucking blog. Blogging. What the fuck is up with the fucking BLOG anyway?? I mean, I can talk to all of you, or I can post a "private" blog on the internet? Oxymoron, anyone?? Anyway. How is it that I feel like I have no one to talk to right now, and yet I can talk to everyone on the myspace network with one little click on a button?? What is wrong with us? Where have we lost that connection to other human beings?? I interact with my computer more than I interact with the people I love. Why? Because they are all on the computer!! I find it much easier to write an email than to call. Why?? Because I don't want to bother them! WHY?? I DON'T KNOW! But I know when I pick up a phone, I feel like I'm suddenly a huge intruder into someone's personal space. I feel like they are cringing to hear the phone ring. I'm perfectly happy to have anyone call me at anytime. I don't get why I feel like a nuisance to everyone around me for using the telephone. But maybe that's why no one calls me. Does everyone feel that way now?? I'm begging, anyone who reads this, CALL! I miss you! I miss your voice! Just fucking call! I'm tired of knowing the font you prefer better than I can recognize your voice! If you don't know me, pick up the phone and call someone you DO know! Unless, of course, you are calling to yell at me. I've had enough shittiness this week. Christmas day in fact. I've had more than one woman should have to stand. While, I know that ex-husbands are EX's for a reason, I still find myself surprised at how shitty mine can be. First I should day that the Commonwealth of Virginia sucks goat balls. They can't get it right. They are half-wits. All government workers. If you don't live in a commonwealth now, for the love of GOD, don't move to one! If you are living in one now (that would include Virginia, Massachusetts, Kentucky and Pennsylvania) I strongly urge you to leave. Bunch of god damned socialists run it all. And if you study history at all, you know a god damned socialist government DOES NOT WORK. Communism is a hugely failed experiment. WHY?? Because it gets stuck in the SOCIALISM stage and bloody revolutions happen to bring it back to a democracy or some other dictatorship. Anyway, to get back to reason number 925467785874466492149 that the fucking Commonwealth of Virginia sucks is that I have not received child support in a month. This is not the fault of my ex. No, truly, it is not. He changed jobs. He alerted the Child Support office. He did everything he was supposed to do. It has taken them WEEKS to do the paperwork on it. So, no child support. We were supposed to travel to Virginia to see my family and then the kids were to stay with their dad for a week while I came home to Rhode Island. Because Rhode Island is my home! A STATE! Where we all know who REALLY runs things and money talks. In Spanish. But nevertheless it still talks. Anyway, my ex told me he would help me pay for said trip. He told me this a month ago. Now, while I was not initially excited to have to make that trip. I mean, who is really ever up for a 9 hour drive (and that's with amazingly good traffic, and no construction in Connecticut - snerk)? Not this woman! But I booked the car the day after my ex told me he would send extra money for this trip. And I started to get excited. My grandmother was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. She's held on longer than the time the doctor gave her. For all I know, she'll be around next Christmas. But the fact is, I hear her voice on the phone, and I know she's getting more and more tired. I know she won't be around next Christmas and I wanted to be there this year. I grew up with my father saying on a daily basis "Damn women. I can't wait to have you all out of my house." Lord knows, the road has been rocky with my father. But when it comes down to it. I love him. He's my Daddy. I called to wish him a happy birthday the week before Christmas, and he actually said to me "I'm really looking forward to having all of my children and grandchildren at home for Christmas this year." My father has never said anything like that to me, and it brought tears to my eyes. I got emails from everyone in my family about how excited they were to see me. And my favorite aunt and uncle decided to make the trip from Kentucky to be there at Christmas when I was supposed to be there. So, all this build up, and I'm sure you can see where this is going. My ex fell through with the money. Now, I have to say, that honestly wasn't his fault either, but how he handled it, I blame him for. He changed jobs shortly after he told me he would send me money. The new job held his paycheck until the second pay period. That put a major crimp in his cash flow. But did he bother to call me about what was going on? NO! I happened to try to contact him at his old job (the only number I had for him) because of my son's report card (that rant to come) only to be told he no longer worked there. So, I did the only thing I could think of and that was to email his mother. I told her that I needed to talk to him because if he wasn't going to have the money for the car, I needed to make other arrangements. The last thing I heard was that he would take care of it and for me not to worry. So, I didn't. A few days before we were supposed to leave, I was calling every chance I got to see what was up. He told me they were still holding his paycheck, but that he should be able to get a couple hundred to send to me. Next thing I know, he's telling me he decided to have a tire and rim put on his car so he wasn't riding around on the spare anymore, and he had to use the $200 he had to do that. Okay, I might be a woman, but I'm not a fucking idiot. I know damn good and well that a USED - not even NEW - tire and rim are NOT going to cost $200. Or he really got screwed. I mean, ass raped with no lube. End result: No money sent to me to go to Virginia. So, then, he gets into a car accident. WHY? Oh, Karma is a bitch. That's why. This solid gold used tire blew and he wrecked the car. KARMA. Fucking Karma. So, now he's just pissed at the world, but I'm the closest thing to lash out at. His mother offered to drive to meet me halfway and take the kids down to Virginia. I can't tell you how thankful I was. I have really been looking forward to this break for a long time. I have really loved the thought that I could finally trust their dad enough to keep them for an extended period of time. I really wasn't worried. I kept thinking how great it would be for both the kids AND their dad. Real bonding time that has been sorely missed, especially by my son. She told me she would meet me and that she would bring the kids back whenever I wanted and that she would make sure they saw my family. I was excited. But after missing Christmas at my parents' house, I at least didn't say anything to the kids. All kinds of issues came up in the meantime. It seemed like no one down in Virginia knew where the kids would be staying. His mother is really ill and when I stopped to think, was wondering how she would make that drive twice. But the major issue became when the kids would be back. No one could get them back or even meet me halfway again until January 6. My son would miss an entire week of school. Not acceptable. Especially after the report card he brought home. (Here is were I will have the report card rant.) My son is functioning below the appropriate level in 38 out of 39 areas. When I had a conference with his teacher about this, I find out that it is because she is giving him timed tests. Timed VERBAL tests. MY SON HAS A FUCKING SPEECH DELAY!!!!! How the fuck can this woman totally ignore that he has an issue like that?? He has an IEP and has two resource teachers. She is giving him literally ONE minute to name all of his uppercase and lowercase letters as she points to them. That's 52 letters. That's roughly 1 second per letter. My poor son can't get the words out of his mouth that fast! But I do flash cards at home with him. He knows the stuff she says he doesn't. We read together all the time. He's picking out small words. We were picking up pizza tonight and he said "What does p-i-z-z-a spell?" Don't tell me this kid isn't learning!! Funny thing is, the other two teachers both think he's progressing quite well and think he's a great kid. What do I hear from his classroom teacher? That his BEHAVIOR is improving. And she freely admits that she has taken to telling him that she can't understand him and doesn't have time for it. EXCUSE ME?? I had enough sense not to deck the bitch in the face. So, when she blew me off telling me she needed to move on to her next meeting (after a whole 7 minutes of her time had gone by), I decided to make an appointment with the principal. Until I have that meeting, it is important that my son be in school and continuing to work. When school starts back on January 2, he can't be out for that entire week! I said I would be willing to work with a day, but not 4. How can I go to the principal saying that the teacher isn't doing the right thing when it comes to my son, when they can turn right back around and ask me why I'm letting him skip a week of school? I can't. That's what. So, I ended up telling my ex that if no one could meet me earlier than that, we were just staying home. He was of course mad. But he took responsibility for getting us down there when I could have done something about it. He screwed up. I'm tired of covering for him and bending over backwards to make him happy. He hasn't done that for me, god knows! I just find it funny that I have managed to get down there THREE times this year and I've gotten down without a hitch. But the one time it is up to him, it is all messed up. Figures. But in his mind it is all my fault and I'm the one being unreasonable. He tells me "If this is the way it's going to be, Leann, we need to have something written in the court. . ." "EXCUSE ME??" I raise my voice at him. "How is this MY fault?" "DON'T YOU YELL AT ME, BITCH." This is where I hung up the phone. I also was so upset that I called back to scream into his answering machine "HOW DARE YOU! MAYBE IF YOU BEEN AROUND FOR THE LAST FUCKING FIVE YEARS, THINGS WOULDN'T BE THIS HARD, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Granted, this was not my finest moment. But I get threatened with court from a man who didn't even call us for over a year at one time? I get threatened with court from a man who I had to cover for when my two-year-old daughter came home from daycare holding a Father's Day craft she made and asked me "Mommy, who is MY daddy?" I get threatened with court from someone like that?? I have worked my ass off to raise these kids! I have done everything I can for them. I have worked three jobs at a time just to put food on the table at certain times. I have worked jobs I hated and hated getting out of bed to go to. But I did it for them! And he has the nerve to call me a bitch and threaten to take me to court on Christmas day?? HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY ASKED SANTA FOR!! How could I have ever loved him so much? And how did it all end up here? Where I can't stand the thought of him sometimes. Where I'm so hurt and bitter, I'm afraid I'll poison any other love I may ever come across. IF I can find anyone worth my time. Which brings me to another point I'm pissed over. MEN. They don't fucking get it. I mean, since my husband and I split, I have had two rather serious relationships. One, I was engaged to, and I knew when I said yes that I was making a mistake. I managed to grow a brain before that happened. Then, I shut myself off. My second relationship grew out of a fun time. We would go out, we would have fun. I thought nothing of it ever being more than that, until one day it was. I woke up in the middle of the night to hear him whispering he loved me. He thought I was asleep, and I pretended I was. I realized that I could love him back, so I started letting myself love him. And then it was gone. So, I continued to date. Now, I moved to Rhode Island with basically a suitcase of clothes and a box of toys. I now have an apartment filled with more crap than I need, and I'm slowly decorating it to my taste. I'm much more financially stable and my life feels as normal as you can get for working in the performing arts. I'm for the most part happy. I know I don't need a man in my life. But it sure would be nice to have one. I'm not talking marriage. I'm not sure I want to go there ever again. That may change, but I'm not ready and I'm not sure there's a man out there that I would want to be with until the day one of dies. I'd hate to be standing at the poor man's grave thinking "Well, thank God! It's about time!" But I do miss being held at night. I miss some to rub my back when I've had a rough day. I miss making love. Not sex. You can get a fuck anywhere. I miss love. But what I've realized is that because I do want it, I'm probably pushing to hard for it. I do like someone. No where near in love, please don't get me wrong. But like. Like I turn into a highly annoying giddy school girl. I commented on this to a friend last week who told me it was probably a good thing that I turn into someone with half of my normal mental capacity while around this man because I'm so intense I would run him away. Apparently, I am not for the faint of heart. Apparently, I have some intensity about me that I don't really notice. I've written about this before, so I won't go on. But I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. I don't want a man who would want my retarded alter ego, and I don't think this man does. Really, there has been a massive slow-down in communication between us. I can't tell if it is the holidays or disinterest, but really IT FUCKING SUCKS! This goes back to where a phone call would be nice. A "Hey! Are you free Saturday night?" would be great! But even if I got a big "Hey, I read your blog and I'm just calling to say fuck off and leave me alone" I would be happy. At least I would know. I just don't get men. Or lack of communication. Or communism. I also don't get why we decided black matches everything or why I can't own a pair of shoes for every outfit I own or why people feel they have to be politically correct all the damn time or why people don't try to get to know each other. For those of you reading this far, I'll give you some random facts about myself so you can get to know me better. I love calla lilies. I love the ones that are read and fade into this lush yellow in the middle. They make me smile every time I see them. I never really made a decision to go into performing arts. I used take so many classes, I ended up with a major in theatre and I was behind on my primary major (English Lit), so the life kind of chose me. But if you know me, you know I don't regret it. My given name is Cristen Leann. I dropped the Cristen in favor of my last name because I have never in my life gone by Cristen. I have always been Leann. Why? Give me a call. I'll tell you