Alone Time

From the myspace archives.

Alone Time
(written May 6, 2007)

I have recently made a decision. I have decided that I need to learn to do things on my own. Well, not on my own, really. I do that already. But ALONE. For instance, I have never been to a movie by myself. Not once. Ever. That needs to change my friends.

I have come to this conclusion because of a stupid boy. I do not have trouble finding dates. However, since making a switch into Monogamy Land, I have spent the last three weekends at home. Needless to say, I don't think I'm liking my tenure in Monogamy Land, and I'm quickly approaching the border back home. Why? Because the more I sit at home, the more I hate the walls around me. The more I hate the walls around me, the more angry I am at stupid boy. I was bitching to another friend of mine about the situation, and he asked why didn't I just go alone or go out with my girlfriends or have people over to my place. I was speechless. Hard to believe that I would not have something to say, but it is true. He was totally, 100% correct.

I don't go out with my girlfriends because I am not specifically invited to go out with them. Now, I know that it isn't really an invitational thing when the girls decide to get together. That doesn't stop me from feeling like I am somehow crashing their good time if I decide to go. Only when someone specifically says "Leann, would you like to join us?" do I feel that it is okay to be there. Well, that has to stop. And what is keeping me from being the one to say "Hey, anybody want to go for cocktails?" Nothing. That's what. Absolutely nothing. Except my own irrational brain waves.

Same thing with inviting people over. I've just been lazy. And I hate to do my dishes and it is slightly embarrassing. That part can be hurdled. So, I think I will. Oh, yes, oh yes. People at my house. What a novelty! It would also solve the problem of having to find a sitter. Why didn't I think of this before??

But I think the most important thing is that I am terrified to go anywhere alone. Why is that?? I made my first endeavor last night. I went to Route 44's CD release party last night. It was a rocking party. Here's my problem: I get there. I don't know anyone. I become instantly shy. If you know me, you know I'm not really shy. So, how is it that I clam up in a room full of people celebrating that they have a common interest while that said common interest is totally rocking out the house on stage? I found I couldn't talk to anyone. Thank God, I ran into some friends of mine and I could hang out with them. Otherwise, I would have been the weird quiet chick in the corner all night. I have decided that I must face this fear, and make repeated endeavors out unaccompanied. I will be going on a weekend away in July. Totally alone. But before I do that, I think I will take in a movie.