Return of the Ordered Universe

From the myspace archives.

Return of the Ordered Universe
(written May 30, 2008)

Recently my universe went totally off-kilter. I have many theories about why. However, I took some time to really think things over, and decided that I had allowed too many other people's stress and drama to invade my life. I have enough of my own, which is carefully balanced with beautiful, calming energy. I allowed too much outside negativity to throw my universe into a tailspin.

In my out of control existence, I did not handle a lot of things well. I was out at night too much - when stress invades, I get almost claustrophobic in my house. I feel like I can't breathe. My once-a-week outting turned into three, sometimes four. I would come home from work, put the kids to bed, and leave again (don't worry - I had a sitter. I didn't get that out of control). This caused other problems - lack of sleep, lack of money, etc. I felt like I needed constant companionship, happy people around me all the time. I was hoping their good vibes would help my bad vibes go away. Instead, it backfired. I saw negative in everything. I was angry or sad or both on a pretty consistent basis. My already faulty self-sensor system went on total meltdown and I would say whatever to whoever and not think about the outcome before the words floated in the air. Thus, I put negativity, stress, and drama into other people's universes.

And for this, I would like to apologize to anyone who had to deal with me.

I have said many times in a not-so-joking manner that I am much better at running other people's lives than I am at running my own. One thing I tell people who are having a pretty consistent or repetitive problem in life is that they have to take a look at what they are doing to perpetuate the problem. In the end, no matter what is going on, I am the only one who can change anything in my life. I decided it was time to take my own advice.

I have recently dealt with the outstide stress and negativity that was coming into my life. I won't go into details since it involves other people. Part of a drama free life is not putting negativity into the universe - it will only come back to you. I definitely don't want it back. I will say that I came to the conclusion that I no longer want people in my life who do not contribute to it in a positive way. A friend is not a person who only contributes bad vibes, stress, and negativity. I'm not saying I want an all positive all the time streaming radio station. That is impossible, and part of a friendship is to help each other through tough times.

Peace and a calm soul are too important to lose sight of. Thank you to everything and everyone who reminded me of that. I do feel peace. I do feel the calm coming back. Being at home has been lovely. Thank you. Thank you to my friends who gave me a verbal bitch slap in order to make me see that I was becoming one of those negative-infused people that I have no use for. Thank you to my children for reminding me what true beauty is. Thank you to my universe for having a way of putting me back on track even when I am lost in a dark wood.