Sometimes, I'm just not sure.

From the myspace archives.

Sometimes, I'm just not sure.
(written January 17, 2007)

I should start this blog by saying, I'm very sad. If you aren't interested in why, stop reading. Seriously.

I have been trying to call my ex-husband for two weeks. Granted, in two weeks, I've only called twice. But with my first message, I guess I was expecting a call back.

Right now, I have not seen child support in about 6 weeks. When my ex changed jobs, he said that he had called the child support agency to let them know. I expected a delay. After a month, I called the office myself to see what was up. I was told he had never contacted them about a change of employment, and I was asked if I knew where he was working. I told them. Now, it will take another few weeks for all of that paper work to go through and for me to see any money. In the meantime, I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for everything I need to pay for. My bills have fallen behind in order to make sure the daycare is paid on time. That is just one "for instance." I don't think my ex understands that at all. He has no idea how much money it takes to raise two kids. However, the first time I called him, I didn't mention any of this. I kept it to myself because there is a bigger issue that I wanted to discuss with him.

My son is being evaluated for autism. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't scare me. I have been trying to tell teachers about some behavioral quirks that I have seen in my son since he was two years old. In fact, for a time, I worked at a school in New York for children with disabilities. One of the training classes that I had to take was all about autism. I sat through that class shocked that my son showed several traits for it. At the time, he was in speech therapy and I asked his speech therapist about how I might have him evaluated. She said he wasn't, and for me not to worry about it. Since then, I have asked every teacher, therapist and pediatrician he's had about his behaviors and what it might be. I have, at times, mentioned autism. No one has listened to me. I have always been told there is no way he is autistic because he is too social and loving.

Now, he is in kindergarten. He has a speech therapist, a resource teacher, and a regular teacher. He is up for re-evaluation for speech, and there is protocol that must be followed in order for the speech pathologist to do so. The first step is to have a meeting with all of his teachers, the school principal, psychologist, social worker, and the director of special education. After hearing the reports from the teachers and from me, the psychologist said he sounded like a puzzle and asked if she could evaluate him as well because of behavioral issues that seemed to happen frequently in the classroom. The psychologist and the special ed director both mentioned autism as a possibility. Now, they can only look for "red flags" and I would actually have to have him diagnosed by a doctor. But if they find these flags, it sounds like I am going to be on a long journey. Either way, I will be relieved to know for sure and I will know how to handle these behaviors. Like I said, autism doesn't scare me. But I would like the other parent to be involved.

When I left my ex the first message, I told him briefly about the meeting and that our son would be evaluated for flags of autism. That was two weeks ago. No return call.

I know my ex loves his kids. So, why does he back away from them? I know we're a long way away. But he could call. When I call him about something like this, he should at least respond. He should be more involved. Especially when his son thinks the world of him. Everyday, I hear about how tall he's getting - like his daddy. Everyday, I hear how strong he's getting - like his daddy. Everyday, I hear something about his daddy.

Before Christmas, I picked the kids up from daycare and began to drive to a shopping area. I asked the kids what they wanted to get their dad. My daughter immediately said "I don't know." My son thought about it for a few minutes and said "Daddy needs a house." I told him that Daddy had a house, and didn't need another one. My son thought some more, and said "Can we get Daddy a fence with some Christmas lights on it to go around his house?" I told him that Daddy already had a fence around the backyard, but we could get him some lights if that's what he wanted to buy. So, he thought some more. "Daddy needs a car." I told him that Daddy has a car. "What color is it?" "White," I replied. "Well, Daddy needs a green car, like us." I managed to talk him out of buying Daddy a car. So, he thought some more. My ex-husband had come up for Thanksgiving to see the kids. It is the first time he's ever visited here. When he arrived, he wasn't wearing a coat. We all asked him about it, and he said he'd lost it. Finally, I hear a very serious voice come from the back seat. My son said "Can we buy Daddy a coat? It's too cold for him to not wear a coat." My heart melted. "Of course we can buy your daddy a coat." I had to take him to three stores before he found a coat that he wanted to buy his father. I spent way more money than I intended to when we got in the car at the daycare, but it meant so much to my little guy to get a coat for his dad.

Now, when the Christmas fiasco happened, I only explained part of it to the kids. I told the kids that their dad had been in a car accident, which meant his car got hurt and he wouldn't be able to drive up to get us. On Saturday, the kids and I were leaving the gym and my son asked again if we could buy Daddy a new car. I again said that Daddy has his own car. My son said "But you said Daddy's car got hurt and he couldn't drive it." He was very upset with me when I told him that we were not going to buy his father a car.

This is why I'm sad. My son is concerned about his dad all the time. My son is so loving and sweet. My son is the kind of kid who breaks his donut in half to share with his sister because she gobbled hers up in a blink, and then breaks his half in half to share with his mommy who didn't get a donut. If my son had the money, I am positive he would buy his dad a house with a fence and lights to go on it and a green car and the warmest coat he could find. So, why can't his dad even call to ask why his son is being evaluated for autism?