What the hell is going on?

From the myspace archive. This was the head space I lived in most of the time before I had my midlife crisis and allowed myself to get better.

What the hell is going on?
(written July 16, 2006)

I'm packing for my trip to Virginia. I'm listening to some great music. I'm dancing around my house. For a minute, I feel young and totally irresponsible. Then my sadness sets in.

There was a day I could pack and go with no planning. There was a day I felt young and beautiful and totally irresponsible all the time. There was a day that I would turn on my stereo, crank it up and dance naked. I didn't care who was watching. There was a time I could laugh like I had never felt pain.

Now, as I step back from all of my trip planning, I think about all the old friends who I'll see on this trip. I think of seeing my ex-husband and all of his family. I think about being back in the little place called nowhere that I grew up in. I think how crazy it is that I ended up a single mother of two. I think of the one person I loved in my life that I will always love but never hold. I want to cry. When did my life become a series of dead-end roads? I sit on the floor of my bedroom, and it seems like memories surround me like ghosts. They become this vortex that surrounds me, sucks me in, and tries to drown me.

Occassionally, I manage to fight my way out and I touch a piece of true happiness that feels like silk. They only seem to last a minute. Why can't those moments haunt me? So, I kick and scream and fight my way out of this vortex that doesn't want to let me leave. I start running. I will keep running until I can feel like I'm dancing naked all the time.