I've always been one to turn a situation around and try to figure out how it relates to me, my place in the universe, what it shows about my character. Some call this self-centered, but it always tends to lead me to be a kinder person. It leads me to more empathy in my everyday existence. It leads me to be hurt by other people, but I also bounce back faster from practicing surrender to the universe. Last month, I wrote about being hurt by a man. It hurt, but I said my piece to him and let it go to the universe. I felt better for a little while. Suddenly, the situation entered my mind, and it didn't seem like any amount of meditation or active surrender would help.
One night, I was snuggling into bed and had just gotten comfortable when a thought hit me. I'd hurt other people in my own insanity. I've written before about my mid-life crisis. I went through the same dark place that the man spoken of above had gone through, and I couldn't seem to control myself. I was walking negative energy and I continued to date. I should not have. I brought my own craziness into the lives of men who didn't need it. There were two men in particular who dealt with a terrible version of Leann who I hope to never see again. I got out of bed and looked them up to send emails. In my emails, I told them I knew it was probably strange for them to hear from me so long after we stopped speaking. I told them that I wanted to apologize for being so crazy when I was in their lives and bringing chaos to their door. I explained that I've been through a year of amazing self-discovery and I'm not the person they knew. I wished them well and wished them peace and signed off not expecting to hear from either of them. I was rather amazed at how much better it made me feel to purge my karma in that way, and I slept better that night than I had in a couple of weeks.
One of the men, I had to look up through Myspace since I had long ago deleted his phone number and personal email account. So, the next day, I decided to check to see if the email had been read. It had. I felt really good just knowing he knew that I was sorry for the perception of me that he received from my own hand. The other actually responded to me. He was very kind, and said he couldn't even remember what had been so bad because it was so long ago. I think he was lying, and he was very sweet to do so.
I've been dealing with a lot of stress lately, and it has brought me into bad moods. However, I have really tried to let go of the bad moods. I've actively given my stress to the universe. I've given my hurt to the universe. I've tried to take note of the particular circumstances of different situations. I've forced myself to connect rather than to disconnect, as is my natural tendency. I realized my own impact on other people, and have taken responsibility. This has come in several forms, the emails being one of them. More than a year ago, I would have dissolved into my bad mood and wrapped myself in it. I can see my own progress, and it made me feel for the man who hurt me. It also caused me to feel impatience that he come through his dark place and be able to speak to me again. It mad me feel hurt again, and to question why the timing had to be so off with this man.
I thought long and hard about these things, and decided it was best to delete him from my friends on facebook. Not because I dislike him, but because it causes hurt in my life and perhaps I cause hurt or confusion in his. I meant it when I told him that I am here for him when he is ready to talk, but I realized that I couldn't make it easy for him to check out what I'm doing in life. I had to work to find the two men I emailed, but I did it because my state of consciousness has evolved to a point where I felt it necessary to work to apologize. I hope that this man continues to grow in the same way, but constant bombardment through the chaos that is facebook was not the way to go. Hitting delete released me from a load I didn't even realize I'd been carrying. I cried for the first time over him.
Now my karma feels clear. I am waiting to see what tomorrow brings. For now, I'll get out into today.
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