I have decided to get rid of my myspace account. I think most people on there have now migrated to facebook, and there is no reason to keep the account anymore. However, myspace was my first foray into blogging. I'll be posting some of those blogs here over the next few weeks in order to delete with no regrets. The first one I'm bringing over is a blog that many of my friends read and commented on. I even made a new friend because of this blog. This was a blog written in the middle of my midlife crisis, when I was just starting to realize that I was feeling the things I said here. I hope you enjoy.
So there's this guy . . .
(written March 13, 2008)
Yeah, yeah. I know what you’re thinking. Hear me out.
My girlfriend happened to see me and a guy together, and was swearing to me that he was completely into me. "You’re mistaken," I tell her. And the conversation begins . . .
We’re both single mothers. We both had horrible marriages that left us carrying the bag. Or bags depending on how you look at it. Neither of our exes support us or the children. Both of our ex’s only remember they have children when it is convenient for them to remember. Both of us work more than one job to support our children. We both wasted a lot of time and energy on men who weren’t worth it. Period.
And we are punished for it.
Now, I get really down and out about the fact that I will forever be punished for the two most wonderful accomplishments in my life. Granted, there are days that I don’t ever want to hear "Mommy" again. There are days I think I could run away and leave it all behind, and be perfectly happy. But those days are few and far between. On the rare occassion I do get a break - the sitter takes them for the weekend or they visit my parents - I miss them like I’ve never missed anyone. I feel like a part of me is gone if they are away too long. They are the most infuriating little people in the world, but they turn around and make everything wrong in my life right by just smiling at me. I’m putty for a hug, and to get kisses . . .
And I am punished for that.
Men take one look at my life - I got married too young. I had kids too young. I have a lot of stress and a lot of baggage - and they say "Thanks, but no thanks." I completely understand the sentiment. Trust me. I will never hold it against a man for not wanting to deal with any of it. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt my feelings each and every single time it happens.
I’m tired of hearing "Well, if he can’t deal with it, then you don’t want him anyway." Because I do. I want him. And what I would like to say to every single man who would pass me up because you don’t like my history is this:
I have learned a lot through my journey. I’ve learned I am a lot stronger than I appear. I’ve learned that I am a beautiful woman. I have learned to appreciate my talents and my intelligence - and I use them, not only for me, but for those I love. I have learned to give. I have learned to take. I have learned to be understanding and patient and how to wait for you to catch up. I have learned to love without judgement because I have also learned that no one is perfect. I have learned to accept other people’s issues for what they are. But most importantly, I have learned that I may want you, but I don’t need you. I won’t want you to stop holding me. But I don’t want you to support me. I don’t want a father for my children. I want a friend. I want a lover. I want someone to journey with me. I am not an anchor that will weigh you down. Because I’ve learned that it is best to help you along your own journey - to rise above whatever is holding you down. And it won’t be my life. It won’t be my children. It won’t be me.
I think it would take a very strong man to hear that, to believe it, and to actually allow me the time to figure him out.
No comments:
Post a Comment