Elliptical Zen

I recently finished reading a book called City Dharma, by Arthur Jeon. While I can't say the writing was fantastic, it was simple and full of wonderful insights spoken in a friendly conversational tone. One of the first things he speaks of is witnessing our thoughts. This is something I have heard in yoga, over and over. It is something you will read in any book about dharma, zen, yoga, etc. Our thoughts are there, but they are not us. We should not identify with them, but observe them without judgement. This leads to the elimination of the little "I" or "me," and leads to our realization of connectedness. According to Jeon,

This creates a self-fulfilling loop of love creating love. Reactivity gets reduced,
replaced with the direct experience of:
I am you.
You are me.
We are they.
All is consciousness.

I am the walrus. Goo goo g'joob. Okay, maybe I'm not the walrus, but I certainly feel like a pornographic priestess waiting for a van to come. I sometimes feel like I am waiting for enlightenment to fall at my feet and announce itself. I try. I have been practicing surrender, and conciously letting go of the negative thoughts. I've been using a meditation technique of thinking about specific people and touching them with positive energy. While I'm doing this meditation, a peaceful energy comes over me and I find it hard not to smile. I have actively let my negative feelings toward certain people go. I practice yoga.

Yoga started for me as a way to stay healthy. While yoga has become more to me than exercise, I am still very adamanent that I need to have a healthy body to have a healthy mind and energy. Therefore, I walk quite a bit and I go to the gym for cardio and weights. I typically do 20 minutes of cardio on the elliptical, with a 5 minute cooldown to get my workout started. I put in my earbuds, and step on to the elliptical. My battle with the elliptical begins. It usually goes something like this:

Leann, you're going to focus on your breathing today . . . 1-2-3-4-5 out-2-3-4-5 . . . I'm so glad they moved the ellipticals over to the windows. I hated watching the news while dying . . . (Looks down at the timer.) Three minutes? THREE?? I've been listening to Jeff Buckley! Does he even have a song that's three minutes long??? Fuck you elliptical!! It's been at least 10 minutes! I should be halfway to cooldown by now! . . . Okay. Breathe. 1-2-3-4-5 out-2-3-4-5 . . . (Changes song) . . . 1-2-3-4-5 out-2-3-4-5 . . .(Changes song. Changes song. Changes song.) Oh great. Now the iPod is in on it. It's going to play slow, depressing songs. Who picks this shit anyway? Oh. Wait. Yeah . . . 1-2-3-4-5 out-2-3-4-5 . . . Fuck! Stupid elliptical! Why are you making me go uphill four times in the next minute and a half? Ridiculous! You wouldn't do that to anyone else. Noooo. You just fuck with me! Well, fuck off! . . . Oh! I like this song! Yay! 1-2-3-4-5 out-2-3-4-5 . . . FIVE MINUTES??? . . .

Needless to say, my cardio experience becomes hell. I think of the dharma lessons I've been reading, and I wonder how I can apply this connectedness to this cardio machine that is clearly out to kill me. I obviously can't connect to a machine, but I can observe my thoughts and desires and the reasons I am on the cardio machine. To state the obvious, I do not enjoy cardio. However, I know how I feel when I don't do it, and I dislike that feeling even more. There is a certain wonderful feeling that comes from working up a good sweat. The toxins are washed out. The endorphins are up. My body is alive. I know I am healthier and happier for it, and will therefore continue to do it. I also recognize I need to find a healthier conversation to have with myself while performing this particular part of my work out. Perhaps I should concentrate on my breath and my body and the affects of my workout. This would help me be in the present moment, which is the only real moment. This is the lesson, right? And as if the universe was rewarding me, my song - my 13:41 of pure bliss - came over my iPod as I was entering the sauna.

The next time I entered the gym, the universe was working toward forcing me to focus. My iPod was dead, so I had to go without music for the morning. I truly had to focus for once. I've been thinking a lot lately about how people disconnect from each other, but it suddenly hit me as I concentrated on keeping my exhales even with my inhales that I disconnect from myself far too often. My iPod is one way I do that. When I'm listening to music on the elliptical, I move my body and breath according to the song playing at the moment. My mind wanders, and I think of the song lyrics, how the tempo makes my body react, the associations I have to the song. This time, without my iPod, I still had a wandering mind. However, I could bring it back to the moment and observe my thoughts. It was strange to me how difficult it was to breathe without music to distract me from it. I observed my body. A twinge in my knee. A knot in my shoulder. Sending breath to those areas and forcing the pain out of them. Counting my inhale 1-2-3-4-5. Counting my exhale 1-2-3-4-5. Suddenly, I realized I was not thinking. I had a clear mind. Upon the realization, I killed the clear mind and was only remembering. Remembering is no good because we are supposed to stay in now. Suddenly, I was thankful for the elliptical and it's power to make me understand one lesson to some degree. Goo goo g'joob.