Being Scared

I've written before about my midlife crisis, and cutting myself off from other people in order find myself. It will be a never-ending process, but that initial point of silence and reflection was a major turning point in my life. I have never felt happier or more free. Part of what I had to realize about myself is that I have no need for a man in my life. I am happy being single, and I have been happy in this state for months now. What I realized is that a lot of the stress in my life has been created by the men in it. I allowed that to happen by allowing the wrong kind of person to inhabit my life. I'm not saying they were "bad." In fact, most of them are beautiful creatures who I am still proud to call my friends. They just weren't the right energy to be a partner in my life. After dating one particularly negative person, I created a checklist of what I wanted in someone with whom I would have a relationship in the future. I've never shared it, and I won't here. I don't want someone trying to recreate themselves to conform to my needs. I want something that just comes naturally.

Several months ago, I met someone who I thought could eventually be someone important in my life. The more I learned about him, the more things he checked off my list. He's a beautiful person. I say eventually because he has too many things going on in his mind at this point in his life. He has too many outside voices making him crazy. I recognize his madness because I've stood in his shoes, surrounded by too many possibilities, not enough definites, too many things pulling in too many directions until you can't see what's important from what's not, the negatives blocking out the positives until all you see is dark, and the mind is too tired to deal with any of it. All one in this situation wants is silence that somehow never comes, and you find yourself in a place of constant stress and negativity. I know in my situation, because of the negative vibes I was emitting, I alienated any goodness that came my way, especially in the form of people. I was drawn to the negativity I found in life, especially in other people. That negativity surrounded me and possessed me and made me love it even while I hated it. I see all of this going on in the person I met. He's never really opened up about it with me, and I never forced it because he has to be ready to see himself for who he is right now. Looking at yourself for who you really are in the present moment, especially when you are possessed by negative energies in your life, is one of the hardest things a person can do. He isn't ready to look in that mirror.

He's scared. Recently, he alienated me. We talked for an hour about what's going on with him and in his world. Really, we could have gone on much longer, but there isn't any use in it. He says he's confused by feelings he has for someone else, and he's confused by feelings he could potentially have for me. However, he's scared to have feelings for me, and shut himself off. I've known this without him talking to me about it, so this came as no surprise. While he says he's confused, I can also see the path he's going to take. I feel for him, but he has to find his own way, just like we all do. I gave him the best advice I could give him: Crawl under a rock until he can hear his own voice. By this I mean, retreat. Go to work. Go home. Lose the outside voices. Find yourself. If a person doesn't know himself, how can he expect to know anything or anyone else. How can we expect happiness if we don't know what makes us happy?

Far too many people are scared of finding that answer. I was. I didn't realize it, but I was terrified to look in that mirror. To quote Anais Nin, "there came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." I will be forever grateful that I took that risk. I know he will be too when he decides to take it. Until then, he is returning to paths he's taken before because he is too scared to find his own way. He's scared that he may find something important with me.

I hear that far too often. I too often hear the words amazing, wonderful, remarkable, beautiful. They never mean good things in my life. Those words always come at the end when they are partnered with "I'm scared." Like every other person, my energy is terrible with some and incredible with others, with most falling somewhere in the middle. Somehow, I have managed to scare every man in whom I've taken the time to invest. I hear how rare I am, how I'm not like most people and how wonderful it is that I'm not. At this point, I can almost recite the speech for the men leaving me, whether we've had a relationship or not. As I've said, I've been single for about a year now, and I've heard the same speech five times. The women these men end up with are never me. Please don't misunderstand me. I'm sure they are usually wonderful women, with great qualities. However, I also far too often hear from these same scared men that they have never been able to let go of me. They were scared of something they might have with me. They didn't give it a chance and ran from the potential they saw. They are now left with the what-ifs and residual feelings. I have moved on, and many times these men are upset by that fact.

I have always followed my heart, sometimes more so than I should. Now that I know my own self-worth and I have learned to know myself, I am not afraid to follow potential. I saw potential in the person I was talking about above. He's going to be amazing when he jumps off the cliff and into his own skin. I wasn't afraid to stick around, and let him be the guide of whatever we were doing. I just enjoyed the ride. When the ride ended the other night, I realized that I can't be there to see him come through the other side. It's something he has to do on his own. It hurt to hear that he was scared to have feelings for me, but what else should I have expected with what he's going through? Being scared keeps far too many of us from acheiving greatness and being the best form of ourselves, which is why things never work with the men who spout the same speech. If they are too scared to learn who they are, they are too scared to be with someone who is fierce in her quest to know herself. I am grateful to this man for reminding me of that. I look forward to meeting the man who not only fulfills my checklist, but who isn't afraid to journey with me where ever that may lead. There are no dead ends while we draw breath.