Last night, I went out with some of the best friends a person can ask for. Maya is moving. She'll only be a three hour drive away, but that's still a lot farther than the 10 minutes of last week. We went out for a beer. Kate, Brian, and Jared joined. It was a good night, filled with silliness on all sides. It was good to be out. It was good to be with my friends. It was good to laugh. All was good.
Needless to say, I woke up still tired. I also woke up sad. Sad that Maya is leaving. Sad about the alarm being so obnoxious. Sad about missed opportunities. Sad that I'd been hurt. I could also feel the beginnings of anger creeping around the edges of the hurt. In a way, it's good. I'm healing, and it didn't take long. On the other hand, I didn't feel like being the angry and hurt and sad person today. I don't want to be that person any day. That's why I decided that I would just leave things to the universe. However, waking up exhausted - even though it was a happy exhaustion - made it hard to fight the negative feelings invading my heart this morning.
I saw my journal sitting where I'd left it the night before, and it occurred to me that writing would be my answer today. I write almost every day, but today I would actively use it as a way to let the negativity go. Instead of focusing on anything negative today, I made a point of noticing any smidge of beauty I could find. I wrote a list as the day went on. I'd like to share it, and I hope that it will help other people notice something simply beautiful.
1. I was able to sleep in until 8am on a school day.
2. My kids heard me stirring around in my room, and excitedly "whispered," "Yay! Mommy's up! Shhhh!"
3. I was still tired from a great night with great friends.
4. I'd missed a call from another great friend and had a sweet message, just checking on me.
5. My kitchen was as sunny this morning as it is on a summer day.
5. My son ate his PB&J toast right down the middle. He had streaks of peanut butter and jelly down both cheeks. He gave me a big smile, with his mouth crammed full and gave me a thumbs up that it was good toast.
6. My daughter told me that I am the most beautiful mommy she's ever had.
7. My daughter cracked her own eggs this morning, and she didn't get any shell into the bowl.
8. My daughter wanted me to stay home with them today, and tried to say she was still sick so I wouldn't go to work.
9. My iPod seemed to read my soul this morning and gave me a perfect soundtrack.
10. I watched my children rely on each other this morning. My daughter pulled her dresser drawer too far out, and it fell out. She called her brother, and together they put the drawer back on it's track. No fighting, but pure teamwork.
11. On the bus, two men were talking about a movie as if it were real life. In fact, one of them actually said he can't stand people who claim that it isn't real because it said it was based on a true story. They were cursing and loud, not even realizing how offensive they were being. I just tried to breathe through it all. An older man was sitting in front of me, and kept turning around each time they would use objectionable language. The moment one of the men went into his rant about how real the movie was, the older man turned around and caught my eye. He smiled with huge dimples, chuckled, and said "God bless America." We chuckled together over it. He had such a lovely energy surrounding him.
12. My walk from Kennedy Plaza to the office was lovely today. It wasn't too cold, and there was a breeze. I love that feeling of breeze on my face.
13. My new boss stopped by my desk to ask how my daughter was feeling.
14. I had enough work to keep me busy today, but not overwhelm me.
15. I brought homemade soup to one of the interns, who said it was excellent. It felt good to give, and it felt good to get a compliment on something I'd cooked.
16. I went to the library on my lunch break, where I found two books that I'm excited to read. I'd never known they existed until I started browsing. I can't decide if I'll read Buddha Mom or The Lost Art of Compassion first.
17. Because one of my other friends paid for my drink last night, I had cash to stop into Starbucks and pick up a vanilla rooibos soy latte. They are one of my special treats for myself.
18. My coworker, who normally doesn't seem to like me at all, let me go home early today.
19. I only had to wait about 10 minutes for the bus.
20. The bus made a really cool noise every time it pulled out of a stop. While I'm sure it actually means there is something wrong with the transmission or something like that, it was really rather fun to hear. It made music play in my head.
21. A mentally challenged man smiled like sunshine. His face was pure joy.
22. The bus driver dropped me right at my corner rather than making me walk, and as I was stepping off the bus, she told me to be careful.
23. I got home early enough to sit at the dinner table with the kids.
24. The kids picked up their dishes and put them in the sink without having to be asked.
25. The apartment is cozy warm tonight, even in my room where I'm normally cold.
26. My appetite started to come back. I managed a croissant at lunch, and an English muffin with PB&J for dinner. Baby steps are still steps.
27. My son read to me from Superman: Past and Present. I bought it for him for Christmas, and he hasn't let it get more than a few feet away from him since. He is reading really well, and tonight it really hit me how well he is speaking compared to last year and the year before.
28. The house is quiet. When I stand beside my kids' bedroom doors, I can hear them breathing.
And I am happy.
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