Elliptical Zen

I recently finished reading a book called City Dharma, by Arthur Jeon. While I can't say the writing was fantastic, it was simple and full of wonderful insights spoken in a friendly conversational tone. One of the first things he speaks of is witnessing our thoughts. This is something I have heard in yoga, over and over. It is something you will read in any book about dharma, zen, yoga, etc. Our thoughts are there, but they are not us. We should not identify with them, but observe them without judgement. This leads to the elimination of the little "I" or "me," and leads to our realization of connectedness. According to Jeon,

This creates a self-fulfilling loop of love creating love. Reactivity gets reduced,
replaced with the direct experience of:
I am you.
You are me.
We are they.
All is consciousness.

I am the walrus. Goo goo g'joob. Okay, maybe I'm not the walrus, but I certainly feel like a pornographic priestess waiting for a van to come. I sometimes feel like I am waiting for enlightenment to fall at my feet and announce itself. I try. I have been practicing surrender, and conciously letting go of the negative thoughts. I've been using a meditation technique of thinking about specific people and touching them with positive energy. While I'm doing this meditation, a peaceful energy comes over me and I find it hard not to smile. I have actively let my negative feelings toward certain people go. I practice yoga.

Yoga started for me as a way to stay healthy. While yoga has become more to me than exercise, I am still very adamanent that I need to have a healthy body to have a healthy mind and energy. Therefore, I walk quite a bit and I go to the gym for cardio and weights. I typically do 20 minutes of cardio on the elliptical, with a 5 minute cooldown to get my workout started. I put in my earbuds, and step on to the elliptical. My battle with the elliptical begins. It usually goes something like this:

Leann, you're going to focus on your breathing today . . . 1-2-3-4-5 out-2-3-4-5 . . . I'm so glad they moved the ellipticals over to the windows. I hated watching the news while dying . . . (Looks down at the timer.) Three minutes? THREE?? I've been listening to Jeff Buckley! Does he even have a song that's three minutes long??? Fuck you elliptical!! It's been at least 10 minutes! I should be halfway to cooldown by now! . . . Okay. Breathe. 1-2-3-4-5 out-2-3-4-5 . . . (Changes song) . . . 1-2-3-4-5 out-2-3-4-5 . . .(Changes song. Changes song. Changes song.) Oh great. Now the iPod is in on it. It's going to play slow, depressing songs. Who picks this shit anyway? Oh. Wait. Yeah . . . 1-2-3-4-5 out-2-3-4-5 . . . Fuck! Stupid elliptical! Why are you making me go uphill four times in the next minute and a half? Ridiculous! You wouldn't do that to anyone else. Noooo. You just fuck with me! Well, fuck off! . . . Oh! I like this song! Yay! 1-2-3-4-5 out-2-3-4-5 . . . FIVE MINUTES??? . . .

Needless to say, my cardio experience becomes hell. I think of the dharma lessons I've been reading, and I wonder how I can apply this connectedness to this cardio machine that is clearly out to kill me. I obviously can't connect to a machine, but I can observe my thoughts and desires and the reasons I am on the cardio machine. To state the obvious, I do not enjoy cardio. However, I know how I feel when I don't do it, and I dislike that feeling even more. There is a certain wonderful feeling that comes from working up a good sweat. The toxins are washed out. The endorphins are up. My body is alive. I know I am healthier and happier for it, and will therefore continue to do it. I also recognize I need to find a healthier conversation to have with myself while performing this particular part of my work out. Perhaps I should concentrate on my breath and my body and the affects of my workout. This would help me be in the present moment, which is the only real moment. This is the lesson, right? And as if the universe was rewarding me, my song - my 13:41 of pure bliss - came over my iPod as I was entering the sauna.

The next time I entered the gym, the universe was working toward forcing me to focus. My iPod was dead, so I had to go without music for the morning. I truly had to focus for once. I've been thinking a lot lately about how people disconnect from each other, but it suddenly hit me as I concentrated on keeping my exhales even with my inhales that I disconnect from myself far too often. My iPod is one way I do that. When I'm listening to music on the elliptical, I move my body and breath according to the song playing at the moment. My mind wanders, and I think of the song lyrics, how the tempo makes my body react, the associations I have to the song. This time, without my iPod, I still had a wandering mind. However, I could bring it back to the moment and observe my thoughts. It was strange to me how difficult it was to breathe without music to distract me from it. I observed my body. A twinge in my knee. A knot in my shoulder. Sending breath to those areas and forcing the pain out of them. Counting my inhale 1-2-3-4-5. Counting my exhale 1-2-3-4-5. Suddenly, I realized I was not thinking. I had a clear mind. Upon the realization, I killed the clear mind and was only remembering. Remembering is no good because we are supposed to stay in now. Suddenly, I was thankful for the elliptical and it's power to make me understand one lesson to some degree. Goo goo g'joob.

Today's Beautiful Things: A List

Last night, I went out with some of the best friends a person can ask for. Maya is moving. She'll only be a three hour drive away, but that's still a lot farther than the 10 minutes of last week. We went out for a beer. Kate, Brian, and Jared joined. It was a good night, filled with silliness on all sides. It was good to be out. It was good to be with my friends. It was good to laugh. All was good.

Needless to say, I woke up still tired. I also woke up sad. Sad that Maya is leaving. Sad about the alarm being so obnoxious. Sad about missed opportunities. Sad that I'd been hurt. I could also feel the beginnings of anger creeping around the edges of the hurt. In a way, it's good. I'm healing, and it didn't take long. On the other hand, I didn't feel like being the angry and hurt and sad person today. I don't want to be that person any day. That's why I decided that I would just leave things to the universe. However, waking up exhausted - even though it was a happy exhaustion - made it hard to fight the negative feelings invading my heart this morning.

I saw my journal sitting where I'd left it the night before, and it occurred to me that writing would be my answer today. I write almost every day, but today I would actively use it as a way to let the negativity go. Instead of focusing on anything negative today, I made a point of noticing any smidge of beauty I could find. I wrote a list as the day went on. I'd like to share it, and I hope that it will help other people notice something simply beautiful.

1. I was able to sleep in until 8am on a school day.
2. My kids heard me stirring around in my room, and excitedly "whispered," "Yay! Mommy's up! Shhhh!"
3. I was still tired from a great night with great friends.
4. I'd missed a call from another great friend and had a sweet message, just checking on me.
5. My kitchen was as sunny this morning as it is on a summer day.
5. My son ate his PB&J toast right down the middle. He had streaks of peanut butter and jelly down both cheeks. He gave me a big smile, with his mouth crammed full and gave me a thumbs up that it was good toast.
6. My daughter told me that I am the most beautiful mommy she's ever had.
7. My daughter cracked her own eggs this morning, and she didn't get any shell into the bowl.
8. My daughter wanted me to stay home with them today, and tried to say she was still sick so I wouldn't go to work.
9. My iPod seemed to read my soul this morning and gave me a perfect soundtrack.
10. I watched my children rely on each other this morning. My daughter pulled her dresser drawer too far out, and it fell out. She called her brother, and together they put the drawer back on it's track. No fighting, but pure teamwork.
11. On the bus, two men were talking about a movie as if it were real life. In fact, one of them actually said he can't stand people who claim that it isn't real because it said it was based on a true story. They were cursing and loud, not even realizing how offensive they were being. I just tried to breathe through it all. An older man was sitting in front of me, and kept turning around each time they would use objectionable language. The moment one of the men went into his rant about how real the movie was, the older man turned around and caught my eye. He smiled with huge dimples, chuckled, and said "God bless America." We chuckled together over it. He had such a lovely energy surrounding him.
12. My walk from Kennedy Plaza to the office was lovely today. It wasn't too cold, and there was a breeze. I love that feeling of breeze on my face.
13. My new boss stopped by my desk to ask how my daughter was feeling.
14. I had enough work to keep me busy today, but not overwhelm me.
15. I brought homemade soup to one of the interns, who said it was excellent. It felt good to give, and it felt good to get a compliment on something I'd cooked.
16. I went to the library on my lunch break, where I found two books that I'm excited to read. I'd never known they existed until I started browsing. I can't decide if I'll read Buddha Mom or The Lost Art of Compassion first.
17. Because one of my other friends paid for my drink last night, I had cash to stop into Starbucks and pick up a vanilla rooibos soy latte. They are one of my special treats for myself.
18. My coworker, who normally doesn't seem to like me at all, let me go home early today.
19. I only had to wait about 10 minutes for the bus.
20. The bus made a really cool noise every time it pulled out of a stop. While I'm sure it actually means there is something wrong with the transmission or something like that, it was really rather fun to hear. It made music play in my head.
21. A mentally challenged man smiled like sunshine. His face was pure joy.
22. The bus driver dropped me right at my corner rather than making me walk, and as I was stepping off the bus, she told me to be careful.
23. I got home early enough to sit at the dinner table with the kids.
24. The kids picked up their dishes and put them in the sink without having to be asked.
25. The apartment is cozy warm tonight, even in my room where I'm normally cold.
26. My appetite started to come back. I managed a croissant at lunch, and an English muffin with PB&J for dinner. Baby steps are still steps.
27. My son read to me from Superman: Past and Present. I bought it for him for Christmas, and he hasn't let it get more than a few feet away from him since. He is reading really well, and tonight it really hit me how well he is speaking compared to last year and the year before.
28. The house is quiet. When I stand beside my kids' bedroom doors, I can hear them breathing.

And I am happy.

Being Scared

I've written before about my midlife crisis, and cutting myself off from other people in order find myself. It will be a never-ending process, but that initial point of silence and reflection was a major turning point in my life. I have never felt happier or more free. Part of what I had to realize about myself is that I have no need for a man in my life. I am happy being single, and I have been happy in this state for months now. What I realized is that a lot of the stress in my life has been created by the men in it. I allowed that to happen by allowing the wrong kind of person to inhabit my life. I'm not saying they were "bad." In fact, most of them are beautiful creatures who I am still proud to call my friends. They just weren't the right energy to be a partner in my life. After dating one particularly negative person, I created a checklist of what I wanted in someone with whom I would have a relationship in the future. I've never shared it, and I won't here. I don't want someone trying to recreate themselves to conform to my needs. I want something that just comes naturally.

Several months ago, I met someone who I thought could eventually be someone important in my life. The more I learned about him, the more things he checked off my list. He's a beautiful person. I say eventually because he has too many things going on in his mind at this point in his life. He has too many outside voices making him crazy. I recognize his madness because I've stood in his shoes, surrounded by too many possibilities, not enough definites, too many things pulling in too many directions until you can't see what's important from what's not, the negatives blocking out the positives until all you see is dark, and the mind is too tired to deal with any of it. All one in this situation wants is silence that somehow never comes, and you find yourself in a place of constant stress and negativity. I know in my situation, because of the negative vibes I was emitting, I alienated any goodness that came my way, especially in the form of people. I was drawn to the negativity I found in life, especially in other people. That negativity surrounded me and possessed me and made me love it even while I hated it. I see all of this going on in the person I met. He's never really opened up about it with me, and I never forced it because he has to be ready to see himself for who he is right now. Looking at yourself for who you really are in the present moment, especially when you are possessed by negative energies in your life, is one of the hardest things a person can do. He isn't ready to look in that mirror.

He's scared. Recently, he alienated me. We talked for an hour about what's going on with him and in his world. Really, we could have gone on much longer, but there isn't any use in it. He says he's confused by feelings he has for someone else, and he's confused by feelings he could potentially have for me. However, he's scared to have feelings for me, and shut himself off. I've known this without him talking to me about it, so this came as no surprise. While he says he's confused, I can also see the path he's going to take. I feel for him, but he has to find his own way, just like we all do. I gave him the best advice I could give him: Crawl under a rock until he can hear his own voice. By this I mean, retreat. Go to work. Go home. Lose the outside voices. Find yourself. If a person doesn't know himself, how can he expect to know anything or anyone else. How can we expect happiness if we don't know what makes us happy?

Far too many people are scared of finding that answer. I was. I didn't realize it, but I was terrified to look in that mirror. To quote Anais Nin, "there came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." I will be forever grateful that I took that risk. I know he will be too when he decides to take it. Until then, he is returning to paths he's taken before because he is too scared to find his own way. He's scared that he may find something important with me.

I hear that far too often. I too often hear the words amazing, wonderful, remarkable, beautiful. They never mean good things in my life. Those words always come at the end when they are partnered with "I'm scared." Like every other person, my energy is terrible with some and incredible with others, with most falling somewhere in the middle. Somehow, I have managed to scare every man in whom I've taken the time to invest. I hear how rare I am, how I'm not like most people and how wonderful it is that I'm not. At this point, I can almost recite the speech for the men leaving me, whether we've had a relationship or not. As I've said, I've been single for about a year now, and I've heard the same speech five times. The women these men end up with are never me. Please don't misunderstand me. I'm sure they are usually wonderful women, with great qualities. However, I also far too often hear from these same scared men that they have never been able to let go of me. They were scared of something they might have with me. They didn't give it a chance and ran from the potential they saw. They are now left with the what-ifs and residual feelings. I have moved on, and many times these men are upset by that fact.

I have always followed my heart, sometimes more so than I should. Now that I know my own self-worth and I have learned to know myself, I am not afraid to follow potential. I saw potential in the person I was talking about above. He's going to be amazing when he jumps off the cliff and into his own skin. I wasn't afraid to stick around, and let him be the guide of whatever we were doing. I just enjoyed the ride. When the ride ended the other night, I realized that I can't be there to see him come through the other side. It's something he has to do on his own. It hurt to hear that he was scared to have feelings for me, but what else should I have expected with what he's going through? Being scared keeps far too many of us from acheiving greatness and being the best form of ourselves, which is why things never work with the men who spout the same speech. If they are too scared to learn who they are, they are too scared to be with someone who is fierce in her quest to know herself. I am grateful to this man for reminding me of that. I look forward to meeting the man who not only fulfills my checklist, but who isn't afraid to journey with me where ever that may lead. There are no dead ends while we draw breath.

Seconds Pass

Here's another one I was working on while watching the sun come up. Honestly, I just jotted this down. It hasn't been reworked at all. It's rough, but comments are welcome as always.


I watched the world
awaken
much like watching your soul
these past few
months
hours
years
seconds
Who understands the infinite working of time?
What I do understand
is the hell you've created
in your own mind.
I've stood helplessly aside
watching you burn
in flames you could blow out
as easily as birthday candles.
While my edges scorch
I offer you
an hour.

Whispers Lost

I am unable to sleep tonight. I've been writing. I'm on my umpteenth reworking of this poem. I can't get Persephone out of my head lately. Comments are always welcome.


The first pale of dawn
brings whispers of Persephone.
Will she return today?
Exhausted from tossing
on the storm of my thoughts
with eyes too weary to weep.
not again
no more
Your shade won't leave this place
even with the threat of dawn.
Persephone granted Orpheus his wish.
He lost his promise of a love forever
too afraid to move forward
he looked back.
I move toward the dawn,
my eyes have seen the night,
I sit
in stillness
in silence
my only gift to offer.

Persephone Sighs

It all started because someone used a big word. I should have known the meaning of this word, but I couldn't remember what it meant. I looked it up. Immediately, I felt stupid. Stupid, not just for not knowing this word, but stupid because of several instances that suddenly defied physics and invaded the same space at the same time in my brain. I needed to write.

I pulled out my play script. I pulled out my notebook. I pulled out my journal. I sat at my kitchen table with my tea and some of my favorite music playing. I wrote everything that came to my head. A monologue that has nothing to do with my show and everything to do with children laughing. A poem that makes no sense, and of which I only like three lines. A string of associative words. I stared at the pages I'd filled, and could still feel something inside of me that needed to come out. I needed to write something and I couldn't figure it out.

I wrote the name Persephone. Persephone. She won't leave my chaotic mind tonight. Beautiful child kidnapped to the underworld to reign as Queen, devastating her mother. In the search for her child, the earth is forgotten and Winter is born. Only Persephone being returned to her mother brings the joy of Spring. Persephone. Symbolic of fertility. Also the deity who carries out men's curses and takes pity on Orpheus.

It didn't alleviate any of my anxiety. I still feel like there is something in my soul that needs a name. Maybe I simply need spring to return. Maybe I need to be released from the Underworld to see a fertile earth instead of the inside of this apartment. There's something she is whispering to me tonight. I wish I could hear her.

Haunted iTunes

Last night, I curled up under my blankets and snuggled into read. I was exhausted after a long few days at work and a night of taking the kids out to a movie. It was a happy exhaustion, but all I wanted to do was to be warm and bundled and reading a good book. As soon as I got comfortable, my iTunes started itself and blared Sia's "Girl You Lost to Cocaine." Since I hadn't been listening to music at all that day, nor had I touched my computer since that morning, I found it slightly surprising that my iTunes would come to life. The odd thing is that I was, in all honesty, only slightly surprised. I got out of bed to turn it off, more concerned that the music would wake the kids.

But I stopped. It's the song I played on repeat while getting dressed for my divorce hearing. Last night, I stood by my computer, ready to turn it off, and stopped. I stood by my desk and sang at the top of my lungs. I sang in celebration of me.

I've stuck around through thick and through thin
You cannot deny I've always been in
And I've watched you stand still as a snowman
No I don't see you change; you're always at meltdown

And I've been your crutch, your smell, sight and touch
Yeah, I took you home when you drunk too much
But I can't survive with you by my side
See I'll never get laid while I'm running your life

No, I just don't wanna so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do, I will not stay
No, I don't need drama so I'm walking away
Yeah, I am a girl with a lot on her plate

So just cut me loose, learn to tie your shoes
There's somebody here I'd like to introduce
So look in the mirror, look for the glass
'Cause you're not my problem, you are my last

No, I just don't wanna so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do, I will not stay
No, I don't need drama so I'm walking away
Yeah, I am a girl with a lot on her plate

No, I just don't wanna so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do, I will not stay
No, I'm not your momma so I'm walking away
See, I'm just the girl that you lost to cocaine

Funny that this song would be the one to play itself. It's my ex-husband's birthday.

The "Amazing" Speech

I have an idea for a poem. I've been thinking about this subject for months. I started on it over the summer, but it wasn't quite working. A couple of days ago, I was given inspiration for which direction this particular poem should take. However, I'm still working through it. Something doesn't feel quite right about it. Comments are very welcome.


Midnight phone calls
that stink of rum
splash of coke
driving too fast
regret
i-love-you-she's-not-you
Angry that fond memories
has become the home
where you should have stayed
Angry at me
for leaving you behind
after you left
you-are-amazing-she's-nice
Same story
Same speech
Repeated many times over
Amazing
Translation:
My fire burns too hot
so you found earth
with a sweet smile
who will never match you in love or war
You are to me
just another
could-have-been-that-will-never-be
Second chance
is not in my vocabulary
I burned that dictionary