Paralyzed

I'm not really one to write rhyming poems. It seems so stilted to me, but here I have one. I'm not in love with it. I'm still playing with it. It just sounds so forced to me. I'd love feedback.


it only took a look
to wreck it all
I asked you to wait
I passed you by
you watched me fall
The set of your shoulders
paralyzed me in flame
with no voice left
to scream in pain
you'll never own this blame
you saw barren waste
I saw hope cloaked in gold
my pain is written on you
our story closed
my own left to be told

Dream #3

In my dream, it is so dark, I can't see anything. My eyes are open. I'm staring, trying to see something, anything. I'm not afraid. I'm not sad. I'm not happy. I am only aware of my being, that I have a body, even though I can't see it to be sure. My body is being rocked gently, as though I were laying in the palm of a giant who carried me around like a child might carry a robin's egg that has been thrown from the nest. All of a sudden, I feel the sensation of falling. My stomach goes into my throat, like it does of the first hill of a roller coaster, when the bottom drops out and you are free fall. Still all is dark. Still I feel no emotion. While still falling, I wake up. My stomach is still in my throat, and nothing daylight offers seems to fix it.

Dream #2

In my dream, I couldn't hear anything. People were talking. I knew this, but I couldn't hear a word of it. I was walking through a crowded room, and people were talking to me, saying hello. I couldn't hear them. I became increasingly frustrated with the pats to the back, the grabbing my shoulder, and smiles and moving lips. I was confused and I was trying to tell people that I couldn't hear anything they said. I couldn't even hear my own voice, and the people went right on smiling and laughing and greeting me as though I'd said nothing. And I stood in the middle of this room, crowded with happy people all telling me hello and I screamed at the top of my lungs I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I DON'T UNDERSTAND! But they swirled around me, still laughing. Still smiling. Still patting my shoulder. Still saying hello. As if nothing were out of the ordinary.

Dream #1

This is not a real dream. This is something that came to me, and may go into my play. I've had a rough couple of days, and this piece (monologue?) came back to mind.


And in my dream, I was flying, but I didn't want to be flying. I just couldn't help it. I couldn't stop. I kept going higher and higher. I looked down and the treetops were getting smaller. All I could think of was how I would return. What would happen if I just ceased to fly? I could imagine the fall and my body being broken by the trees, falling into a thousand pieces on the ground, unrecognizable as me. All of my pieces and all of the parts of me I keep hidden, visible to anyone who might walk through the trees and find me. Or the pieces of me. So, I closed my eyes and just tried to feel the wind against my face, but I could still see the treetops through my closed eyelids. Still getting smaller. And I let go.

Wishing Better

I watch
my own innocence
run away
in the trail of the skirt you insist upon wearing
cream
gold
filmy
trailing behind you
as you run for the school door
and away from me
I press my hand to the window
willing you not to leave my sight
and I wonder
if all the hope
I crowd into your tiny body
hurts your heart
as much as it hurts mine

Seeking: SWTrain wreck

I should have put Male somewhere in the title of my ad. Something like "Seeking: SWM." However, I thought "train wreck" was more accurate. I should also point out that the "W" is optional. I've simply found, in my experience, that white males make the most exceptional train wrecks. If you are a train wreck with the particular combination of being a tall, thin, bassist with dark curly hair, I will instantly fall in love with you. If you possess that particular combination and also drive a VW, I will not only instantly love you, I will take you home on the first date. Clearly, you are my soul mate. If you possess this particular combination and the thought of a woman loving you to the point of obsession after the first date is disturbing to you, even a little bit, clearly you are too healthy. Please do not respond to this ad. I know a healthy man when I see one, and I am not interested. You can't fool me. If the thought of love at all, even after months of togetherness, is disturbing to you, you may be the one for me.

I enjoy long, philosophical conversations that focus primarily on our former marriages. I would prefer that you do not have children from said former marriage as I prefer a man who cannot understand the pressures of being a single mother and will get annoyed when I cannot change my plans based on your golf game or fishing trip. I cannot resist a man who openly belittles my work in nonprofit theater, but will tell me several times in a ten-minute span that I am "hot" and/or a "MILF." I find this line of compliments especially charming when used to interrupt a discourse about the book I am currently reading or something important going on in the world, or after I've used a "big" word in conversation. I find it exceptionally captivating when you periodically disappear. This includes not responding to phone calls, text messages, or emails, and avoiding being physically present until you want to have sex. I love a man who only communicates through text messages. It gets right to the point when you are making a booty call after a disappearance. I find the element of surprise exhilarating, and keeps the relationship fresh. However, I prefer we not call it a relationship, and that we never talk about it or our feelings.

You should be planning a move, preferably out of state. You get extra points if you are a busy workaholic. Please be a ball of neurosis I will never be able to unravel, obsessive about your hair and clothing, and enjoy eying other women in front of me. If you are up for running away when you start to have feelings for me, please email me. Send an amazingly intelligent email, use correct punctuation, and give me hope that this time I've found a man worth putting faith into. Please include a picture of your VW.

Losing Hope

I was hoping I'd lose it.
That's why.
That's why I couldn't -
That's why I didn't tell you.
I couldn't be -
I didn't want to be -
That bitch.
The one who would say you can't leave
because of some life-altering event.
When, really, every event is life-altering.
Where do you draw the line?
I was worried right before you left.
Or whatever you did.
We never really talked about what "we" were.
I liked it that way.
I liked just reading the way you touched me.
I liked seeing it in your eyes,
In your smile.
My god your smile -
I suppose it's only appropriate that
We didn't talk about what we weren't going to be.
Deny what you want,
I saw it on your face -
All over your face -
The morning I woke up
With this baby inside of me.
Our baby.
I opened my eyes to you smiling.
Your eyes couldn't hold all the love inside of them.
And it scared you.
I felt so many things
Laying in your arms that morning.
I knew I'd found a man
Worth loving
If only I knew how.
I knew you'd found a woman
Worth loving
If only you knew how.
I knew you were scared enough to run
by the way you held me close
for so long we were both late for work.
I knew you'd run.
I knew I'd let you.
I knew we'd created something.
I just wanted to stay in your arms
In that patch of sunlight
Watching the snow fall.
I wanted to forget the future.
I knew when you kissed me goodbye
I wouldn't kiss you again.
You didn't know it.
But I did.
A week later, I still hadn't heard from you.
I was worried then.
About being late.
I was worried.
Two weeks later, I saw you with her.
And I knew.
I couldn't tell you.
I couldn't be that bitch.
I couldn't pull you back in.
I couldn't be her.
I couldn't tell you.
You didn't want me.
You chose a familiar, well-beaten path
Rather than to let us grow.
So, how could I tell you we were growing together anyway?
I know I'm not easy -
I'm not a woman who is easy to love.
And I know why you were scared.
I knew this baby would scare you even more.
And I have prayed for three months
That I'd lose it.
Her.
It's a girl.
I didn't want -
I don't want to trap you.
But I had to tell you.
That's why I asked you here.
So, I could tell you -
The way your eyes told me -
Only I'm telling you -
In words -
Because that's all I have now.
Words
And her.
I'm taking our chance at love
And I'm walking out of that door with it.
I'm giving you warning -
The warning you didn't give me.
Don't worry.
I'll hold her close.
And keep her in the sun.
I hope she has your smile
So I'll never miss it again.