Losing Hope

I was hoping I'd lose it.
That's why.
That's why I couldn't -
That's why I didn't tell you.
I couldn't be -
I didn't want to be -
That bitch.
The one who would say you can't leave
because of some life-altering event.
When, really, every event is life-altering.
Where do you draw the line?
I was worried right before you left.
Or whatever you did.
We never really talked about what "we" were.
I liked it that way.
I liked just reading the way you touched me.
I liked seeing it in your eyes,
In your smile.
My god your smile -
I suppose it's only appropriate that
We didn't talk about what we weren't going to be.
Deny what you want,
I saw it on your face -
All over your face -
The morning I woke up
With this baby inside of me.
Our baby.
I opened my eyes to you smiling.
Your eyes couldn't hold all the love inside of them.
And it scared you.
I felt so many things
Laying in your arms that morning.
I knew I'd found a man
Worth loving
If only I knew how.
I knew you'd found a woman
Worth loving
If only you knew how.
I knew you were scared enough to run
by the way you held me close
for so long we were both late for work.
I knew you'd run.
I knew I'd let you.
I knew we'd created something.
I just wanted to stay in your arms
In that patch of sunlight
Watching the snow fall.
I wanted to forget the future.
I knew when you kissed me goodbye
I wouldn't kiss you again.
You didn't know it.
But I did.
A week later, I still hadn't heard from you.
I was worried then.
About being late.
I was worried.
Two weeks later, I saw you with her.
And I knew.
I couldn't tell you.
I couldn't be that bitch.
I couldn't pull you back in.
I couldn't be her.
I couldn't tell you.
You didn't want me.
You chose a familiar, well-beaten path
Rather than to let us grow.
So, how could I tell you we were growing together anyway?
I know I'm not easy -
I'm not a woman who is easy to love.
And I know why you were scared.
I knew this baby would scare you even more.
And I have prayed for three months
That I'd lose it.
Her.
It's a girl.
I didn't want -
I don't want to trap you.
But I had to tell you.
That's why I asked you here.
So, I could tell you -
The way your eyes told me -
Only I'm telling you -
In words -
Because that's all I have now.
Words
And her.
I'm taking our chance at love
And I'm walking out of that door with it.
I'm giving you warning -
The warning you didn't give me.
Don't worry.
I'll hold her close.
And keep her in the sun.
I hope she has your smile
So I'll never miss it again.