Seeking: SWTrain wreck

I should have put Male somewhere in the title of my ad. Something like "Seeking: SWM." However, I thought "train wreck" was more accurate. I should also point out that the "W" is optional. I've simply found, in my experience, that white males make the most exceptional train wrecks. If you are a train wreck with the particular combination of being a tall, thin, bassist with dark curly hair, I will instantly fall in love with you. If you possess that particular combination and also drive a VW, I will not only instantly love you, I will take you home on the first date. Clearly, you are my soul mate. If you possess this particular combination and the thought of a woman loving you to the point of obsession after the first date is disturbing to you, even a little bit, clearly you are too healthy. Please do not respond to this ad. I know a healthy man when I see one, and I am not interested. You can't fool me. If the thought of love at all, even after months of togetherness, is disturbing to you, you may be the one for me.

I enjoy long, philosophical conversations that focus primarily on our former marriages. I would prefer that you do not have children from said former marriage as I prefer a man who cannot understand the pressures of being a single mother and will get annoyed when I cannot change my plans based on your golf game or fishing trip. I cannot resist a man who openly belittles my work in nonprofit theater, but will tell me several times in a ten-minute span that I am "hot" and/or a "MILF." I find this line of compliments especially charming when used to interrupt a discourse about the book I am currently reading or something important going on in the world, or after I've used a "big" word in conversation. I find it exceptionally captivating when you periodically disappear. This includes not responding to phone calls, text messages, or emails, and avoiding being physically present until you want to have sex. I love a man who only communicates through text messages. It gets right to the point when you are making a booty call after a disappearance. I find the element of surprise exhilarating, and keeps the relationship fresh. However, I prefer we not call it a relationship, and that we never talk about it or our feelings.

You should be planning a move, preferably out of state. You get extra points if you are a busy workaholic. Please be a ball of neurosis I will never be able to unravel, obsessive about your hair and clothing, and enjoy eying other women in front of me. If you are up for running away when you start to have feelings for me, please email me. Send an amazingly intelligent email, use correct punctuation, and give me hope that this time I've found a man worth putting faith into. Please include a picture of your VW.