Going Up Tomorrow Night

I've obsessed all day. I'm in a show. It goes up tomorrow night. It's all monologues. All. That means I perform a monologue. Me. The stage manager. Who isn't stage managing. I'm on stage. Me. Kevin, what the fuck were you thinking CASTING me?? I'm really nervous. Nervous to the point of wanting to throw up.

As a stage manager watching actors go through this, it is easy to fall into the supportive role. Whenever one of my actors is having a bad tech/dress, I tell them it's a good sign and that I've never seen a show go well until there has been the tech/dress from hell. They buy it every time. I have been walking around town talking to myself. I'm sure strangers would love to know why the little petite woman is walking around telling her sister that she should burn the dress. Oh wait. I was downtown. No one noticed me over the schizophrenic man yelling at his imaginary friend that he was going to knife him. Anyway, I had that monologue down. I could get through it no problem. Then, I get to rehearsal tonight. Here's how it went:

Enter
Blah, blah, blah . . . Ummmm . . . Shit . . . Line . . . Oh, right. Sorry . . . blah, blah, blah, blah, blah . . . FUCK! Line . . . Right . . . blah, blah, blah.
Exit
Cry

So, I didn't really cry. I did the monologue twice. I got on stage and I drew blanks. I'm terrified. And dear GOD! They laughed. They were supposed to. There are very funny bits in my piece. But they actually laughed. And so did I. I was shaking by the end of it in frustration and nervousness. What if I forget that line tomorrow????

I'm trying to zen out. I'm trying. As I sat in rehearsal watching another actor who looked completely calm and collected on stage, I hear the following conversation in my head:
I can't do this.
Yes, you can.
I can't!
What do we do when we think we can't?
We try harder.
This is something I tell my children all the time. We don't say can't. We only try harder.

I'm taking a break now to freak out in blog form. I'm hoping it will allow me to get some nervous energy out. I'm practicing my deep breathing. I'll go back to the monologue in a little bit. I'll work on it tomorrow. And I will get on that little stage tomorrow and we're gonna have a bonfire.