The Elimination Round

I look back at who I was, and I think I've spent most of my adult life in an unhealthy mental or emotional state. Family issues from at least age 12. I was always my own toughest critic, whether it be in academics, as a performer, being the best reading mentor I could be. I put myself through college, balancing a full time courseload with a full time job. I was in a terrible marriage. I became a single mother. I moved 500 miles away from everything I knew. So, I look at the person I was, and I see one big ball of stress.

I was a mess. From the age of 12, I began to get more and more emotional. By 17, I had IBS and migraines and had made it through a round of mono. By the time I left my husband, I was a complete emotional wreck and convinced I was insane. By the time I moved to New York, god help the person who looked at me funny because I would lose my mind. Screaming was not unusual. More often, I would cry. I just couldn't handle anything life threw at me.

Then, I moved here to Rhode Island. I drove here with one suitcase for three people, a box of toys, and a sob story a mile long. I thought things were magically going to change. Still, the stress didn't end. I felt like things were never going to get better and it didn't matter where I lived. The people were still going to take advantage. Men were still going to reject me. Jobs were never going to recognize that I was more valuable than just answering phones all day for $9 an hour. My car was never going to stop breaking down. My health would never get better. I would never live in a good neighborhood. My children would never see me because I had to work two jobs all the time. I just knew they would grow up to be drug addict serial killers. When they were on trial, they would cry and blame me for never being around to check their homework or buy them a pony. I could see it all.

Finally, I really could see it all. I started realizing that I was the only one who could fix anything in my life. I had to stop saying "If only this would happen, things would be better." It was a long road, but I finally pulled myself together. Last year, I allowed too much stress back into my life, and had a relapse. I weathered my mid-life crisis, and emerged stronger than before.

The difference this time is that I have yoga in my life. At every class, my instructor says not to judge yourself or other people. He reminds us that we need to listen to our bodies, every practice is different and just because we could do something last week, doesn't mean we can do it this week. We are instructed to observe, to feel sensation, to not react, to breathe through it, and to not judge ourselves. The longer I practice yoga, the more I feel myself doing this in daily life. I feel and I observe without judgment. I have learned to know myself well enough to know when I will have an adverse reaction and breathe through it. I have learned to observe, to take time out, to reflect. I have learned to respond later. I am not always successful, but when I do react, it quickly passes. I do not spend hours upon hours upset over a small thing.

Today, I realized a big, gaping hole in my zen zone. My friends.

Right before Christmas, I felt like my circle of friends was falling apart. There was family stress, financial stress, deaths, car issues, children issues, school isssues, work issues. You name an issue, I had a friend going through it. I was touched that they felt they could come to me to talk about it. I'm always here for anyone I love. However, I'm sure they are all rethinking ever coming to me again. Why? Because I worried about them. The beautiful people in my life came to me to just talk, and we talked. Then, I emailed them to let them know I loved them. I texted them to make sure they were okay. Every five minutes. I wrote a big, sappy note on Facebook since most of them have accounts there. None of them of have really talked to me since.

Then came yesterday. I was home from work, and received a call from a friend from work. She'd been laid off. Call number two comes. Another friend, another lay off. She gave me some information from her talk with upper management. She was worried about me being laid off as well. Within 30 minutes, I went through the following reactions: I'm laid off. I'm gone. Oh dear god, where is rent going to come from? I'll have to move . . . Oh, Leann, shut up. Here's what you'll do. You'll apply for unemployment, go to some temp agencies, and get all of your yoga and personal training certificates done . . . You know, if you're laid off, you could enjoy some time at home with your kids. Hell, you could even finish painting the kitchen! . . . There is no sense worrying about anything until you have something to worry about. One foot in front of the other. Whatever happens, it will be for the best. The universe knows where it is sending you . . . Oh, no! What are the other two going to do?? They have this and that going on in their personal lives . . .

Today, I went into work. It turns out that not only was I kept on, I have been given a new position in the restructuring of the company. It is a good thing for me. All day long I felt like I'd come through the elimination round and won a prize. Did I enjoy it? No. All I could do was feel awkward and sad for my friends, and I worried. My stomach started to hurt. My shoulders knotted up. I began to get a headache. Everyone in the office was cranky and negative. Granted, it was hard to not be negative today. However, it made me realize something very important.

Worry is a negative energy. No matter how well-intentioned, I am still putting negative vibes out into the universe. If my friends are coming to me with a burden they are carrying, how is it fair of me to make it heavier with my own issue of worry? It isn't fair at all. I love my friends too much and appreciate them too much to do that to them. Saying I can't worry about them sounds so cold-hearted, but it is so true. I can't. I won't. I will keep them in my heart. I will keep them in my thoughts. When something negative happens to me, I trust that the universe is leading me in a different direction. I am usually right, and it usually ends up being a wonderful thing in my life. I can look back and be grateful for the negative occurrence because it was actually a positive one, a blessing in disguise. I am so sure that the same is true for my friends. I will continue to ask if they are all okay, but I will not do so with a heavy heart. I will do so more with the intension of observing and lending peaceful energy to help heal their stress without judgment.