Postmark

I am driving
a convertible
with the top down
through the desert
at sundown.

My hair whips around my face
in perfect waves.

In that moment,
I don't think
how I am one 80's song away
from being a cinematic cliche.

I smile
into the wind,
feeling everything.

I am celebrating my birthday.

This is my favorite memory.
Like all of my favorite memories,
I am alone.

I lie on my back
staring at the ceiling.

To my right
on the nightstand
is the postcard you sent.
The postmark
tells me I loved you first.
But these are things one does not say.

To my left
is an empty vase.
You almost brought me flowers once.

Rear View

My first kiss
tasted of
innocence
fresh cut grass
bike rides over long country roads
the breathlessness of not being caught
too young

My last kiss
tasted of
betrayal
wanting verging on desperate need
bourbon with one rock to chill but not to water down
the breathless dishonesty of hope
knowing better

"You can't keep driving while you're looking in the rear view mirror," he said.

When I Miss You

When I miss you
I sit on the empty bed
and stare
at the gifts ungiven
casting shadows of violence
across the walls

When I miss you
I take long drives
to lose myself
and I try not to remember
it was you who drove
while holding my hand

When I miss you
I find
the picture
of a painting
of me
and I try to understand
how you painted so much love into a canvas
while denying my skin

When I miss you
I stare
at your phone number
remembering
the hardness of your eyes
and the determination in your jaw
giving orders
for the bombing of our home
and I do not call

Paper Boat

Like a paper boat
in a tempest,
you left me shipwrecked
and drowning
in shallow water.

The ghosts gather in the reeds
like self-satisfied grandfathers
enjoying an after-dinner pipe,
guarding the woman in white
against your return
from across the bedroom.

The tattered paper
of her gown
flutters in the breeze.

I am free now from the storm.

butterflies

suitcases sat
feeling the absence of furniture

the only thing you unpacked
was displeasure
while spinning tales of our future memories
promising
i was
The One

i plucked your promises
from the air
and swallowed them whole
like chocolate coated razor blades

my void was most valuable
so i hollowed myself out
to make room
for the butterflies
that multiplied
with every smile and accidental touch

you were never going to stay
i couldn't live up to your version of me

the seasons are turning
your suitcases are gone
the butterflies flutter softer each day

Dear Warrior

To my dear warrior,

I am waiting for you.  I am searching for your beacon like a shipwrecked voyager.  I am waiting for you as impatiently, as desperately, as you wait for me.

You, who are not afraid to love me as fiercely as I will love you.

You will set me on fire.

The lightness of your fingertips on my hip will take my breath away.

You will know just how to hold the back of my head and the small of my back to cradle me into you where I will feel safe.

You'll never ask to rub my shoulders.  You will know by their placement when they ache, and you will soothe.

You will understand the unnameable chaos in my heart that makes me want to fly or run and only releases in tears.  You will kiss my tears and hold me close until I come back down to the ground.

It isn't in you to back down from my intensity.

We will hold hands in public.

Your hand on the small of my back will guide me.

You will be proud of me.
Your eyes will light up at the sight of me.

I will wake up to your smile; your eyes shining and unable to leave my face.

You exhale in genuine awe after I've spent hours picking the perfect outfit and putting on makeup for our date night.

You will sit with me in the car at the beach to watch thunderstorms roll in.

You will make love to me like that storm, and then hold me like the warm sun after.

I will come home to fresh flowers in the vase I've carried from apartment to apartment to house to house.  Ten years spent hoping someone would know flowers were meant to be there, and you will be the one to know.

You'll teach me.
You'll share with me.
You'll value me.

You'll look at me in a way that lets me know I am the only woman you see, and the only woman you want to see.  The fire in your eyes will bring me to my knees, and make me forget the insecurities placed in my mind by the past.

You will defend me even to myself.

We will live together in the present, leaving the past behind us and creating a new path for the future.

You will know when I need silence.

We will sit across the room from each other; you working on your art and me on mine.  But I will stop and silently admire you, welling up with pride in the man you are.  You will pretend to be too intensely immersed in your talent to notice my stare.

The single curl in my hair will make you smile, and you won't be able to stop yourself from bending over me to gently touch it as I work.  You will put your arms around me and gently kiss the back of my head.

You will marvel at my passion for life and the way I teach.

You will be my truth and my light.

My heart will pound at the sight of your smile.

You will respect my independence as much as I respect yours, but you will also know when I need you and you will respond to that need.

You will love my broken parts.
You will know how hard I've had to fight, and love me even when I don't know how to stop fighting.
You will be thankful I made it through all of the hard times because I made it through to find you.

You will recognize my strength, and know how very much you mean to me when I eventually let you see how vulnerable I can be.  You will see my fear, and keep me strong.

My terrible dancing, sense of humor, and wit will bring you joy.

When you hear me singing in the next room, you will stop what you're doing to better hear my voice.

You will debate me, push me, make me think.

You will see all of my faults.
You will know my goodness outweighs them all.
You will forgive me.

You will understand my wanderlust and my need to run away.
The world will be ours to explore.

You will lay with me under the stars.

You will walk with me.
You will fly with me.
You will float with me.

You will dream with me.

You will plan with me.
You will build with me.
You will work with me because you know love takes work.

Every morning, you will choose me because you also know that love is a choice we make.  Loving me will be the only choice you want to make.

You will understand my heart.
You will be my partner in all things.
You will be my best friend.

For all of these things, I will love you with all of the love I hold.
For all of these things, I will wait.  Impatiently.  Desperately.

Yours.

(mis)carry

After searching for diamonds
at the bottom of the drain,
I hang my thoughts to dry
above my bed.

Osmosis by waterboard is my gateway.

vivid details in blue
silent screams of loss
floating through weightless relief

You've forgotten more than you've known.

I am the goddess you wish I were
in depths where you won't find me,
holding my breath for extraordinary measures of time
because I am best at pushing away.

When living paycheck to paycheck is a step up in the world,
and voyeurism is how we connect,
I will let you down in being human.

I wake alone
to twisted sheets and mud puddles
and a hollowness in my belly.