Dear Warrior

To my dear warrior,

I am waiting for you.  I am searching for your beacon like a shipwrecked voyager.  I am waiting for you as impatiently, as desperately, as you wait for me.

You, who are not afraid to love me as fiercely as I will love you.

You will set me on fire.

The lightness of your fingertips on my hip will take my breath away.

You will know just how to hold the back of my head and the small of my back to cradle me into you where I will feel safe.

You'll never ask to rub my shoulders.  You will know by their placement when they ache, and you will soothe.

You will understand the unnameable chaos in my heart that makes me want to fly or run and only releases in tears.  You will kiss my tears and hold me close until I come back down to the ground.

It isn't in you to back down from my intensity.

We will hold hands in public.

Your hand on the small of my back will guide me.

You will be proud of me.
Your eyes will light up at the sight of me.

I will wake up to your smile; your eyes shining and unable to leave my face.

You exhale in genuine awe after I've spent hours picking the perfect outfit and putting on makeup for our date night.

You will sit with me in the car at the beach to watch thunderstorms roll in.

You will make love to me like that storm, and then hold me like the warm sun after.

I will come home to fresh flowers in the vase I've carried from apartment to apartment to house to house.  Ten years spent hoping someone would know flowers were meant to be there, and you will be the one to know.

You'll teach me.
You'll share with me.
You'll value me.

You'll look at me in a way that lets me know I am the only woman you see, and the only woman you want to see.  The fire in your eyes will bring me to my knees, and make me forget the insecurities placed in my mind by the past.

You will defend me even to myself.

We will live together in the present, leaving the past behind us and creating a new path for the future.

You will know when I need silence.

We will sit across the room from each other; you working on your art and me on mine.  But I will stop and silently admire you, welling up with pride in the man you are.  You will pretend to be too intensely immersed in your talent to notice my stare.

The single curl in my hair will make you smile, and you won't be able to stop yourself from bending over me to gently touch it as I work.  You will put your arms around me and gently kiss the back of my head.

You will marvel at my passion for life and the way I teach.

You will be my truth and my light.

My heart will pound at the sight of your smile.

You will respect my independence as much as I respect yours, but you will also know when I need you and you will respond to that need.

You will love my broken parts.
You will know how hard I've had to fight, and love me even when I don't know how to stop fighting.
You will be thankful I made it through all of the hard times because I made it through to find you.

You will recognize my strength, and know how very much you mean to me when I eventually let you see how vulnerable I can be.  You will see my fear, and keep me strong.

My terrible dancing, sense of humor, and wit will bring you joy.

When you hear me singing in the next room, you will stop what you're doing to better hear my voice.

You will debate me, push me, make me think.

You will see all of my faults.
You will know my goodness outweighs them all.
You will forgive me.

You will understand my wanderlust and my need to run away.
The world will be ours to explore.

You will lay with me under the stars.

You will walk with me.
You will fly with me.
You will float with me.

You will dream with me.

You will plan with me.
You will build with me.
You will work with me because you know love takes work.

Every morning, you will choose me because you also know that love is a choice we make.  Loving me will be the only choice you want to make.

You will understand my heart.
You will be my partner in all things.
You will be my best friend.

For all of these things, I will love you with all of the love I hold.
For all of these things, I will wait.  Impatiently.  Desperately.

Yours.

(mis)carry

After searching for diamonds
at the bottom of the drain,
I hang my thoughts to dry
above my bed.

Osmosis by waterboard is my gateway.

vivid details in blue
silent screams of loss
floating through weightless relief

You've forgotten more than you've known.

I am the goddess you wish I were
in depths where you won't find me,
holding my breath for extraordinary measures of time
because I am best at pushing away.

When living paycheck to paycheck is a step up in the world,
and voyeurism is how we connect,
I will let you down in being human.

I wake alone
to twisted sheets and mud puddles
and a hollowness in my belly.

Ephemeral

I wrote this thing back in March of 2010.  I named it Ephemeral.  I was never happy with it, and came back to it a couple of years later to fix it.  I still wasn't happy with it.  Today, I think I finally finished it.  I'll see how I feel in a couple of years.


EPHEMERAL

waking to your eyes
alive and overflowing with joy
sunlight through snow
your hand grazing my waist

steady, girl

I'm wearing a dress you've never seen.
You'd love it on your bird.

Who's to know what's real?

Nothing is sure, but the joy is constant.  The joy as great as the fear as great as the anger as great as the questions as great as the love.

Do I know you?

In songs we shared like secrets on pillows.
Trying to find peace.
Disinfecting a wound hurts.
And running makes us strong.

In the letting go
I am haunted
by dreams or memories.
Nothing of me is sacred
or safe from your shade
as it winds and twists and sets me on fire.

hold fast, girl

strong hands on my hips. kisses at the kitchen sink. the smell of you on the sheets. bruises on my neck. foreheads touching through sweat. heaviness of blankets. legs intertwined. laughter. peace was on your porch. answered prayers.

fight to pull in breath over the pain in my chest. pull over the car. scream into the emptiness until my voice is raw. throw my phone into the void. hit the steering wheel. bruises on the palms of my hands. panic was in the gravel. block. silence.

My dress is red and won't be put out by my tears
or pleas for mercy.
I burn till there is nothing left
but the ache in my clipped wings.

In pictures, there is sadness in your eyes
even as you smile.

We hide our fear in secrets.
Look how far we've run.
Look how strong we are.

In Dedication To...

To my Cowardly Lion.  May you one day be whole.


I stand hidden in the shadows
on the edge of a clearing
silent and watching you,
Cowardly Lion.
Soul raped
Heart rent
Body wracked
You stumbled here to lick your wounds.
Cornered and dangerous
Gnashing your teeth
I hold my breath
in the sudden silence
as you catch my scent on the air
hoping you cannot hear
the war drum trapped in my chest.
I know that should I move
Should I dare to reach out to you,
my veins would be ripped
and left as vines in your garden.
There is already too much of me buried there.
So, I brace myself
against a last roar of warning
before you bend back to your work.
Under a mask of snarling superiority
and a new dinner jacket,
you stand upright
to wander through trees
you still cannot see
pretending to be human
with a heart that beats a human beating.
But as you pass me
Unpausing
Unblinking
I hear your own drum crying.

Keys

On a typewriter
with sticky keys
left by a previous tenant
I rewrite history.
In the awkward silence
of a repetitive I
I
I
I wonder
if you'll ever pay rent
on the ever-expanding space you take up.
out of room in my head
overflowing my heart
cracking under the strain
in the repetitive click
of the invisible I
I
I
I glance
at my apron
hanging under a water-stained ceiling.
A testament.

Ephemeral (edit)

I wrote this a long time ago.  I came back to it today.

I am haunted by dreams. 

By the memory of your eyes, in the sunlight through snow. 

Color shifting iris. 

Who’s to know what’s real?  The memory of your hand grazing my waist.

I’m wearing a dress you’ve never seen; you’d love it on your bird.

Nothing is sure, but the joy is constant.

The joy as great as the fear as great as the anger as great as the questions as great as the love.

Do I know you?

In songs we shared like secrets on pillows.  Trying to find peace.

But disinfecting a wound hurts.

And running makes us strong.

I dance to wring you from my mind.

My soul.

From every place you’ve touched.

Fire that won’t be put out by my tears.

Your shade won’t leave.

Dreams, weaving and twisted.

Wrapping around me without actually touching.

Cold breeze brushing my waist.

Drawing me in; leaving me blank.

Do I know you?

Dance.

Metaphor: In case you didn't get it

When I was a very young girl, I found a baby bird barely hanging on to life.  I took it home to save it.  By the time I got it the two blocks to my house, the chick was dead.  But I kept insisting it was alive.  If a breeze rustled its feathers, I took it for breath and movement.  I wanted it to live.  I wanted it to fly away.